Thursday, August 31, 2006

An open letter to the Montreal transit authority, the STM

STM – Department of Promotions and Policies
Dear STM,
As you know, our planet is facing devastation from the harmful effects of greenhouse gasses produced primarily by the burning of fossil fuels. I believe the mandate of the Societé de Transport de Montreal to be more important than ever.
And so, after reading about your most recent budgetary shortfall, I’ve spent the last two days in a self-imposed, pornography-based isolation, considering how to better promote use of public transit. The following is the by far the best idea that I – or anyone else—have come up with:
I propose introducing what I like to call “The Titty Pass”. By buying this monthly pass at a greatly reduced rate (say, free), women are entitled to unlimited use of all bus and metro lines, provided that they display their breasts to the bus driver upon entering the vehicle. When entering the metro, Titty Pass holders must smear their bare breasts against the glass of the metro booth to be admitted.
I believe that this would attract not only many more buxom passengers, but boob-loving passengers of all types. The STM would almost certainly be inundated with job applications from McGill fraternities.
I encourage you to think of the probable socioeconomic ramifications of this promotion: A trend of “Titty bartering” would almost certainly develop, leading to full-blown “Titty Economy” and a gradual shifting from gold-based currency to “Titty-based Currency”. I encourage you to imagine the tourist attraction that Fort Knox (thereafter known as Fort Knockers) will become.
Furthermore, this one simple change in policy will cement Montreal’s reputation as the Titty Capital of the North America, and potentially the world or universe.
In summation, our planet is in too perilous a condition to waste time second guessing progressive policy proposals while buxom beauties buy Hummer upon Hummer. It’s time for action; it’s time for titties.
Yours, with all my heart,
Chris Masson

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